Maki Returns
by ShinAyasaki
Summary: While on her lunch break, Nico runs into her confrontational tsundere rival, Maki. Nico inadvertently claims that she owns a 5 star restaurant instead of the burger joint she actually has. Cue episode. (Nico swallowed. 'Don't be intimidated,' she thought, 'Just try to imagine her in her underwear... OH NO SHE'S HOT') Yep. It's another Spongebob parody.


**AN: Unrelated to my previous Spongebob parodies. ****This is a parody of the episode Squilliam Returns. **

* * *

It was an ordinary day at Nico Bell. Honoka rang up customers at the register, flashing her brilliant smile with every order taken and every transaction conducted. Rin cooked burgers and fries in the back, perfecting patty after patty with an excited grin as she sent trays filled with fast food through the kitchen window.

And Nico? Nico was in her office, pushing papers and filling out forms and doing all sorts of other boring managerial duties, all for the sake of running the restaurant that bore her name.

But even managers needed some time away from their desks.

"I'm going on my lunch break," declared Nico as she emerged from her office. She looked to her employees with a critical eye. "Try not to burn the place down again."

"No promises!" chorused Honoka and Rin.

As she walked out the door, Nico sighed. "Another day, another migraine," she lamented. "Well, at least I've finally got some me time. The one time of the day I get to relax and not have to worry about a thing."

With that happy little thought in mind, Nico made her way to Kotori Fried Chicken and got a bag of wings to go, humming a quaint little tune as she stepped down the sidewalk back to Nico Bell.

Nico suddenly stopped short as a trio of cool looking women came around the bend, a damnably familiar redhead in the lead and speaking loudly as her blonde and blunette companions listened with attention.

"Oh no!" gasped Nico. "It's my arch rival from high school! Maki Nishikino! I can't let her see me before I've made my idol debut!" She looked to the bag in her hand. "And idols don't eat fast food!"

Spying a nearby garbage can, she gently lifted the lid up to dispose of her lunch.

"On your lunch break, Nico-chan?"

The ravenette jumped as she dropped her wings, the lid slamming closed as she whirled to face Maki's smug face. "Ye- No!" she denied. "I mean... Maki-chan, how have you been?" she asked with a strained veneer of politeness.

"I suppose I've been fine, thank you for asking." She sighed dramatically. "But being successful can be so stressful, not that you'd know I'm sure."

"I'd know plenty, thank you very much," snapped Nico.

Maki raised a challenging eyebrow. "Oh? Why don't you enlighten me as to what you've accomplished since high school."

Nico swallowed. '_Don't be intimidated,_' she thought, '_Just try to imagine her in her underwear... OH NO SHE'S HOT!_' In the midst of her gay panic, Nico couldn't help but stutter out her answer. "I-I-I'm in f-f-food service."

"Oh? Still peddling that little burger stand with your two idiot friends?" derided Maki as she twirled her hair dismissively.

A growl of annoyance built up in Nico's throat, but the ravenette held her tongue. '_Don't lie. Mama always says lying just makes things worse. Remember what happened with your siblings?_' Sadly, Nico chose not to listen to her brain at that moment. "I own a five star restaurant!"

Maki visibly recoiled with a gasp. "You...! You what?!"

"That's right," affirmed Nico with a self-assured nod. "Finest food this side of Tokyo with massive critical acclaim!"

The redhead suddenly checked a growl of her own. "My, I had no idea you were so successful," she ground out. She took a breath. "I would be honored if you would allow my friends and I to come to your restaurant for dinner tonight."

"T-Tonight?!"

Maki donned a sweet smile that did nothing to hide the undercurrent of menace. "Yes. Tonight."

Nico gulped audibly and pondered just how the hell she was going to get herself out of this one.

* * *

That night, Nico paced the floor before her employees, wearing the suit she'd worn for Rin and Hanayo's wedding. "Alright, listen up idiots! Maki will be here in twenty minutes! Therefore, we need to turn this place into the fanciest restaurant anyone's ever conceived of as soon as possible."

She turned to bark an order, but stopped short as she caught sight of an unexpected third member in her lineup of idiots.

"Nozomi! What are you doing here?" demanded the ravenette.

The woman only offered a mysterious smile as she held up a single tarot card between two fingers. "I know when I'm needed," she said coyly.

Nico's response was to growl in begrudging acceptance. "Fine. Beggars can't be choosers. Can you take coats in a dignified and sophisticated way?"

"Absolutely," affirmed the purplette. "Leave your easiest task to me!"

"At least this'll keep you out of the way," muttered Nico. She turned to the second idiot in line. "Honoka, you worked in your family's bakery for a while, didn't you?"

"Yeah! My parents paid me in bread!" chirped Honoka cheerfully.

"Good. You're our chef." Nico tossed her a white chef's apron. "Don't screw this up."

Honoka's eyes lit up as she tied the apron around her neck. "Sweet! I get to wear a cape!" She turned and dashed into the kitchen, posing heroically. "Super Honoka away!"

It wasn't long before the pots and pans hit the floor with a spectacular crash.

"I'm okay!" called Honoka from within. "Ow..."

Nico's face met her palm. "I'm regretting this already."

"Nico-chan, what about me?" asked Rin eagerly as she tugged on Nico's sleeve.

"You, my dear Rin, are going to be our waiter."

Rin blinked at her cluelessly. "What's that?"

Nico frowned. "What do you mean, what's that? It's a waiter! Someone who waits on tables, brings out food, collects tips! That sort of thing!"

Her only response was a clueless blink.

Shaking her head in disgruntlement, Nico reached for a book she'd bought just for the occasion. "Here. Just... read this."

Rin looked at the cover. "'_How to Become a Fancy Waiter in Less Than 20 Minute_s'," she read aloud. She began flipping through the pages. "Nico-chan, this doesn't have any pictures."

Nico sighed and swapped the text with a kiddie version, much to Rin's delight. "I've heard of dumbwaiters," she muttered in frustration, "But I've got the dumbest waiter ever!"

She turned around and suddenly decided she had the dumbest coat taker as well.

"Nozomi what are you doing?!" shrieked Nico.

The purplette wore her shrine maiden outfit with a large back of salt in hand. There was salt scattered all around the floor. "I'm performing an exorcism," answered Nozomi as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"WHY?!"

"This place is giving off some very bad vibes, but don't you worry. I guarantee my spiritual power will triumph!" She reached into her bag for a handful of salt and hurled it in front of her. "Does this look like a hotel to you?!" she demanded of the non-existent ghost. "Get out!"

Nico opened her mouth to berate her when an explosion sounded out from the kitchen. Eyes wide in apprehension, she rushed off, leaving Nozomi to her ridiculousness as she slammed through the kitchen door to behold a stove alight with fire.

"Oh my god!" cried Nico.

Quickly, the ravenette grabbed the fire extinguisher off the wall and sprayed its payload into the flames, snuffing out the inferno with a layer of thick white foam.

"Wow! Maybe you should be a firefighter, Nico-chan," remarked Honoka, impressed.

"Honoka, what are you doing?!" screeched Nico. "I thought you worked in a bakery for most of your life!"

"Yeah, but I was the janitor," replied Honoka. "My parents forbade me from cooking after I almost burned down the shop for the third time."

A crimson eye twitched in aggravation as Nico burst out of the kitchen. "I'm surrounded by morons!" she shouted.

And then her third moron made herself known.

"Nico-chan..." breathed Rin desperately, her voice wavering on the edge of despair. "So much information... So little brain space..." She gulped loudly as tears threatened to spill from the corners of her eyes. "Tried to memorize..." She hiccuped, before grabbing Nico's shoulders and shouting in her face. "Didn't work! Wut do?!"

"Calm down!" snapped Nico, slamming her forehead against Rin's. The orange haired catgirl spiraled to the floor, stunned as her eyes gazed blearily at her boss. "Rin, listen to me," instructed the ravenette, deathly quiet. "I want you to forget everything you know except fine dining. And breathing. Understand? Just fine dining. And breathing."

Rin's gaze stared off into the distance, her eyes glazing over as she did as she was told.

Within her mind, the single hamster wheel powering her brain came to a stop as the hamster within got out and began collecting documents from around the various office cubicles that represented the different memory engrams of Rin's brain. Once its tiny hamster arms had amassed as many papers as it could carry, the poor creature waddled over to the shredder and began to delete it all.

Her memories of fry cooking were gone. Her love of ramen was forgotten. And perhaps worst of all, the lyrics to All Star were unlearned.

All these and more were deleted as Rin stood there slack-jawed, staring at Nico with empty eyes as drool began dripping from the corner of her mouth. Inside, the hamster continued its task.

"Hey, Rin? You okay?" asked Nico, waving a hand in front of her employee's face. She received no reaction. "Oh this isn't working at all!" cried Nico. She ran out the front door. "I need to tell Maki-chan I need more- OOF!" She stopped as she collided with a soft and warm cushion.

"Eager to see me, are you?" teased a familiar voice.

Nico looked up from Maki's chest into condescending lilac eyes. "MAKI!" she exclaimed, leaping back.

"That's me," said the redhead. "And I can't wait to see what you've cooked up."

"Say, listen, about that... There's kinda been an unfortunate incident or two that has occurred in the time since we last spoke, the consequences of which are currently ongoing and require thorough investigation in order to effectively mitigate, which is all a rather long-winded way to say that-"

"Nico-chan, please. How long are you going to continue this farce?" snapped Maki as she walked up to the doors to Nico Bell. "It's absolutely ridiculous that you'd try to pass off a mediocre burger joint as a... five... star... **_restaurant?!_**"

As she slammed the doors open, Maki's jaw all but hit the floor as she beheld an unprecedentedly amazing display of eatery elegance. Glorious chandeliers hung from the ceilings, illuminating the wide restaurant floor as clean tablecloths and cozy candles rested atop every single table. An orchestra was quietly playing classical music in the corner, and paintings of exotic landscapes and portraits of famous figures of history decorated the walls.

Maki was absolutely floored. "Nani sore? Imi wakannai!"

"Yeah, me neither," muttered Nico next to her.

From behind, Maki's friends were rather charmed with what they found.

"My, this is quite the extravagant venue," observed Eli admiringly.

"Indeed. I look forward to seeing all this establishment has to offer," agreed Umi.

Just then, Rin emerged from behind the hostess stand, attired in a crisp tuxedo. "Welcome to Nico Bell," she said professionally. "Table for three? I can seat you immediately. And should you wish, Nozomi can check your coats until you're ready to leave."

From her spot by the coat closet that hadn't been there a few minutes ago, Nozomi offered her usual smile dressed in an identical suit, the very picture of competent waitstaff.

"We're fine, thanks," replied Maki. "Lead the way."

"Very good, miss." Rin led the guests off and Nico scrambled to catch up.

But not all of them were quite so eager to sit down.

"May I take your coat?"

Eli blinked. She slowly looked down at the hands playfully pawing at her chest, before turning to stare into the eyes of her friendly neighborhood groper. "You seem to be taking a little more than that," she remarked nonchalantly.

"I suppose you're right," replied Nozomi. She didn't stop massaging Eli's chest. "Perhaps we could go somewhere a little more private and I can start giving to you instead."

"Far be it from me to turn down such a generous offer from a beautiful woman," flirted the blonde. "Lead the way."

As Nozomi guided Eli away, Nico finally caught up to Rin.

"How'd you do all of this?" she whispered as they walked their remaining guests to a table.

"It was easy once I'd cleared my mind of everything but fine dining," replied Rin. "And breathing," she said as an afterthought.

"What'd you do with Honkers?"

"Taken care of."

In the basement, Honoka sat tied up in front of a TV, a large loaf of bread stuffed in her mouth as a makeshift gag as she watched an enthralling real-time video of paint drying.

"Now then," continued Rin, "Let's show our guests the most delightful evening they've ever had!"

* * *

And a delightful evening was what Maki got. All within the span of a minute, Rin had taken her order, served the food, fed her the meal, given her a shoulder rub, massaged her feet, brushed her hair, given her a manicure and pedicure, and applied and removed a deep-cleansing facial. All in all, it was a very satisfying meal.

Next to her, Umi received similar service, though the blunette had declined the spa treatment.

"So Maki-chan? How was your experience at my amazing, wonderful, and absolutely phenomenal restaurant?" asked Nico smugly.

"Well..." started Maki, looking away as a blush of embarrassment came over her face. "To be perfectly honest, it was flawless. You've done a remarkable job and I take back those... less than flattering things I said earlier."

"Naturally," bragged Nico some more.

"I think the most amazing part of it all was your waiter. She's brilliant. It's like all she knows is fine dining. And breathing." Maki turned to Rin now, who refilled her glass and set down a complimentary selection of post-dinner mint candies. "What's your name?"

Rin stopped what she was doing. She blinked. "My name?" she asked, confusedly.

"Yes, your name."

"...Blue Fin Tuna?" she said dumbly.

"No, your name," reiterated Maki.

"Um... Respect the burgers?"

"Stop joking around. Come on _Rin_, tell her your name," ordered Nico.

Rin suddenly felt very small. "My... name?"

Within the hamster habitat that represented the catgirl's mind, the hamster scrambled furiously around its various cubicles, yanking open filing cabinets and desk drawers in a panicked frenzy and scattering paper everywhere. It let out loud squeaks of alarm as it came up empty handed, and the stress of its failure to find such a simple scrap of information compelled the hamster onto its hamster wheel, the creature pawing madly at the metal bars as it began to spin. Unfortunately, the hamster wheel popped loose from its stand and both wheel and hamster began rolling amok in the office, knocking into anything and everything as unfettered chaos was unleashed.

In the real world, Rin snapped.

"NYAAA!"

A pitcher full of water was hurled at Maki's face, the redhead going down like a sack of bricks as Nico desperately dove to catch her. "Maki-chan!" Crimson eyes turned to the catgirl, now a destructive and insane blur of motion, as she tore around the restaurant unleashing havoc upon the fancy furnishings and fashionable fixings. Nico dragged Maki under the table, the ravenette doing her best to provide for her rival's health as Rin rampaged.

She came face to face with a stern faced Umi. "Excuse me Yazawa-san, I believe I'm going to have to ask for a refund."

"This isn't the time!" yelped Nico. She thrust Maki into Umi's arms. "Hold her!" She popped back up from under the table.

She was hit with instant regret.

In her storm of insanity, Rin had somehow acquired an antique warhammer and was now using it on anything and everything she encountered. Tables were smashed, stained glass windows were shattered, and light fixtures were obliterated. Rubble and detritus decorated every square foot of the floor, and and small fires were beginning to crop up in several places.

"No, no, NO!" cried Nico in frustration. "This is all going tits up!" She went to weather the storm in her office, but immediately slammed the door shut upon seeing what awaited her with a beet red face. Nozomi had also gone tits up, but in the good way.

Suddenly, the basement door opened with a slam as a familiar face poked her head out. "Hey everyone! The paint dried!"

"NYAAAAAA!" shouted Rin crazily as she swung her warhammer. The weapon slammed into Honoka face first and the cashier-turned-cook went flying.

"Honoka!" cried Nico. She ran to check on her fallen friend, propping her up against an undamaged segment of wall. "Honoka, speak to me!"

"Ugghh... today's bread is delicious as always..." slurred Honoka woozily. Then she slumped to the ground and let out a huge snore, a smile of slumber on her face.

Nico sweat-dropped with only mild annoyance. "Thank god you have a hard head, or that might have actually hurt," she deadpanned.

Just then, the front doors burst open and another player joined the game.

"Rin-chan, what are you doing?!" exclaimed Hanayo.

"Hanayo, don't!" called Nico, "Rin's totally lost it!"

The mousy brunette frowned and approached her storming lover. "Rin-chan, put down that hammer this instant!"

The crazed catgirl set her demented eyes upon Hanayo. Her muscles heaved with exertion as she slowly turned to face her, the hammer raising high in preparation to smash. Hanayo stood her ground, frowning sternly all the while.

"HANAYO!" cried Nico in horror.

The seconds ticked by dramatically, every instant ratcheting up the tension in the atmosphere as wide eyes awaited in horror to witness Rin's hammer fall on Hanayo. And eventually...

"...Kayo ...chin?" muttered Rin uncertainly. Ever so slightly, the hammer was lowered.

"Yes, that's right," confirmed Hanayo, her voice taking on a note of affection. "Your Kayo-chin is here. So please put down the hammer?" She offered an imploring smile.

Rin's heart started beating with the familiar rhythm of love, and she tossed her hammer away through the window. Her energy spent, the orange-haired waitress collapsed forward, straight into Hanayo's awaiting arms. Somehow, she wound up in a princess carry with the brunette's beautiful smile shining down upon her majestically.

"Kayo-chin..." she breathed.

"Let's go home, Rin-chan."

And with that, Hanayo carried Rin out of the restaurant, pockets of lilies blooming in their wake in celebration of their loving reunion.

For a while, all was silent as the fires burned themselves out and the destruction settled. Honoka leapt awake with a jolt, while Umi and Maki crawled out from underneath their table. Nozomi and Eli remained in Nico's office, seeing no reason to stop their activities.

"Nico-chan..." growled the redhead.

Nico gulped. "Um... I can explain."

"Who cares about an explanation?! We both know what's going on and it's not about a restaurant!" cried Maki. "I hate this game of emotions we play!" Then she grabbed Nico by the scruff of her shirt and smashed their lips together.

When they separated, Nico blinked at her rapidly in confusion. "But don't you want to hear about how I'm a fraud, lying about owning a five-star restaurant in a futile and pathetic attempt to impress you?"

"No." Then she pulled Nico in again, and neither of them said a word for quite some time, losing themselves in a passionate embrace that was long overdue.

As Nico and Maki's longstanding rivalry transformed into a blossoming relationship, someone else decided to try their luck.

Honoka sidled up to Umi. "So, are you doing anything later tonight, Miss Tall Dark & Handsome?"

Umi casually looked her over, evaluating everything from enticing eyes to slender legs. "Hopefully you," she flirted back.

Honoka pounced her then and there.

**~END~**

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**Omake****: ****Restaurant Reviews**

Maki N. - 3 / 5 Stars; Decent food, passable service, best manager.

Umi S. - 2 / 5 Stars; My dining experience began with a wonderful presentation and excellent meals, but I soon found out it was all a facade for a poorly managed eatery with uncontrollable employees and multiple health code violations... (Read more)

Eli A. - 5 / 5 Stars; Excellent service. Very hands-on.

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* * *

**AN: And that wraps up another entry in my Sponge Live collection! I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing. If anyone has any suggestions for more episodes you think would work with Love Live characters, let me know.  
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**On another note, I have so many Love Live fast food puns. MakiDonalds, Nico Bell, Kotori Fried Chicken, and more! What do I do with them all? X(**


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